My lawyer has advised me to preface this by saying that many details I'm about to discuss are fictional. I would never encourage or condone shoplifting.
I was having a conversation with January recently about the "right way" and the "wrong way" to pull off shoplifting as an adult. Â When you're a kid and you want to get a little "five finger discount," whether it's because you really don't have the money or are just in it for the thrill, shoplifting is accomplished in one of several pretty cliche ways. If it's a small enough item, it's easy enough to just slipping it in your pocket when you think nobody is looking. If it's a bigger item, the oversized sweatshirt is a decent standby, and the more daring may opt for shoving it into the backpack. Â It takes longer, but it's much less stressful getting out of the store.
That's all well and good when you're a kid -- being a kid is sometimes about doing stupid things and learning a lesson -- but when you're an adult you run a much bigger risk. That's why adults need to learn how to shoplift smarter. Since my conversation with January, I've given the topic a little thought and have come up with some simple rules.
Never put the to-be-lifted item anywhere it shouldn't be.
The second you stick that candy bar in your purse, the jig is up. If they suspect that you are trying to steal something, all they have to do is check the surveillance tapes. It's kind of hard to explain away that shifty look on your face as you shove that jumbo pack of Kit Kats into your bag.
Put the item somewhere where you can "forget" about it.
Trying to score a free bucket of kitty litter? Keep it on the bottom rack of your shopping cart. Found a jaunty new cap that you simply must have, but left your credit card at home? Try it on, and conveniently "forget" that you were wearing it. Have your eye on a new winter coat and think $65 is outrageous? Just drape it over your arm while you pay for the rest of your items. Â Which leads me to the next guideline:
Always buy something.
It's hard to be suspicious of someone who is actually buying something. Â You can always use toilet paper --just go pick up a 24 pack so you have a reason to be there.
Exit strategy: Have a conversation partner.
Talking with someone as you leave the "scene of the crime" serves two purposes: It sets your mind at ease so you won't be looking around suspiciously, and you end up looking much more comfortable and casual so there's less reason for that over-eager security guard to suspect you.
In case of emergency: Play dumb.
If you've followed all of these guidelines so far, but you still get stiff-armed at the door, don't freak out. Â You didn't stash the item in your backpack and you look totally casual. Â Claim ignorance, apologize profusely, and insist that you are completely embarassed that you forgot to take off those sunglasses you tried on twenty minutes ago. Â They may not buy it, but unless you're dealing with a total hardass they're not going to make a huge issue over it. I mean, you're an adult for crying out loud, not some snot-nosed middle school punk. Adult's don't steal.
Damage control.
Final rule. If you do manage to get caught trying to lift something from a store you frequent, you can never try to shoplift from that store again. If that rent-a-cop was even slightly suspicious, he's going to remember you. Don't give him a reason.