Crazy Cat Quotient

Thursday, 19 November 2009

When you're talking about animals, there's an extremely fine line between "having a lot of pets" and being "those crazy cat people." It's definitely a continuum, but I think there's a general, unspoken concensus about what combination of pets constitutes "animal lovers" and what combination crosses one over into "crazy" territory. I've given this a lot of thought, done some very scientific polling, and have come up with the following forumula for calculating exactly how "crazy" society views certain combinations of cats and dogs.

quotient

In this equation, μ represents the number of cats in a household, ρ represents the number of dogs, and λ is the resulting "crazy cat quotient." The higher the resulting quotient, the higher degree of perceived craziness the household will have to society at large. The boundary seems to be right around level 2, which seems to mark the boundary between animal lover and animal eccentric.

Let's try an example: In our house, we have two cats and one dog. Using the formula, that gives us a crazy cat quotient of 0.5. Before we got Gus and it was just the two cats our quotient was 2, while adding a third cat with no dogs gives a result of 4.5. Society says that it's OK for a house to have two cats, but once you add that third cat without a dog to balance things out, you cross over into "crazy cat people" territory. If you want three cats, you really need to add a dog to balance things out; Three cats and a dog gives a much more socially acceptable quotient of 1.6875.

To be clear, I assert that this formula actually holds true regardless of marital or cohabitational status; The number of humans involved really doesn't come into play here. I know the stereotypical "crazy cat person" is usually single, but don't let the fact that you're married fool you into thinking it's now socially acceptable to have four or five cats without a balancing dog.

Unless you throw kids in the mix. And possibly the acerage on which the animals live. But those are variables I'm not really prepared to factor in at this point; These are just preliminary findings, but I hope they will be helpful as you plan your family.

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